A deconstruction of real-estate euphemisms
The Word Nerd
by Howard Richler
Euphemisms inflate and magnify by making the euphemized item seem grander and more important. Advertising works in this fashion, by describing the advertised item in qualitative terms such as “glamorous” and “exciting,” which aren’t subject to verifiability or falsifiability.
An Internet correspondent from Melbourne reminded me of the puffy tendency of real estate lingo when he related that the term New York style apartment is being increasingly used in Australia. I googled the phrase New York style apartment and I noticed this offering from Sydney, Australia: “The Harvard – Top executive standard apartment. One of only four penthouse apartments in this sought-after New York style apartment building.” My down-under friend enlightened me on the true deconstructed meaning: “New York style apartment seems to mean small, no elevator access and a view of a brick wall of the building next door.”
This is reminiscent of the oft-used real estate euphemism handyman’s special or handyman’s delight. These terms often describe a dwelling that has four walls and not much else, or one that’s about to have a close encounter with a wrecking ball. This is sometimes known as a fixer-upper or adjectively as fix-uppable. Designations may vary throughout the English-speaking world, but beware any of these terms: great starter, great potential, potential for future development, potential to renovate, renovator’s dream, needs TLC, in need of some decoration or affordable.
For first-time buyers who aren’t as savvy (or cynical) as me, I offer the following definitions culled from Richler’s Deconstructed Dictionary of Real-Estate Euphemisms.
Quaint: Small
Charming: Even smaller
Cute: Smaller still
Cottage: Extremely small house
Doll house: Even smaller than a cottage
Estate condition: So dingy, dusty and musty that you might want to check if there are any corpses closeted in the basement.
Elevated position: The house is precariously perched on a non-horizontal plot of land.
Old charmer: An old and abominable house
Stunner: A less ugly house
Ready to remodel: The house is facing collapse; the foundation is cracked. You must invest quadruple the asking price before the house is habitable.
Meticulously maintained: The appliances pre-date World War II.
Old-world details: A pre-World War I apartment.
Easy freeway access: It is very noisy and polluted due to the house’s overlooking the expressway. Also referred to as “right in the hubbub.”
Desirable neighborhood: The house is highly overpriced because your neighbours are incurable snobs.
Gated community: Security guards are poised to pounce on people of colour, people sporting multiple nose-rings and tattoos, the sartorially-challenged, or those having a bad-hair day.
Lots of storage space: The basement is too minuscule to be considered a family room.
Low maintenance lot: No backyard; the kids will have to dodge cars while playing on the street.
Easy-care garden: What was once a garden is now paved or covered in gravel.
Ready to move in: The inside has been given one coat of cheap paint.
Maisonnette: A ground-floor or subterranean apartment
Classic loft condominium: Totally non-renovated.
Walk-through: What used to be non-euphemistically referred to as a “railroad flat.” This is defined by one dictionary as an “apartment that has its rooms arranged in a straight line, often also lacking a hallway, so that one room can only be entered through another.”
Two-car garage: You can park two cars in the garage, provided neither is bigger than a Yugo.
Tree-top view: Elevated views of the street, not of a park.
Partial mountain view: You can see a hill from your house, provided you climb on the roof.
Possible owner financing: The owner has absolutely no interest in financing.
Caveat emptor domus!
