Finding a home for my mother
by Barbara Moser
Finding a senior home for a parent can be grueling. Our Quebec public health care system makes you jump through bureaucratic hoops and, just when you think you’re home free, there may be one last hoop — lit with fire.
I had finally chosen a personal care home (also called a foster home) for my mother because I knew the owner and the home was near me. Both the CLSC and the government agency that oversees the home say the rules are there to protect seniors. But who protects us from the people who work for these agencies? They speak to us as though we were naughty children, chastising us for not being responsible or expecting too much.
There’s one line I heard over and over again, it’s: “We have rules, you know.”
I had moved my mother into my home after realizing she was in the early stages of cognitive impairment and she could no longer live alone. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find the perfect setting for her. And there was the question of her three cats — her babies.
I managed to chase down her doctor who was leaving town and had him fill out the necessary forms. The CLSC social worker interviewed my mother and, after one month, let me know the Régie de la Santé et des Services Sociaux had “oriented” my mother to the home I had chosen. All that was left, I was told, was a home interview with the agency social worker.
Going up the stairs to my house the day of the interview, the social worker informed me, for the first time, that unless my mother told her she wanted to move, it was a “no go.” And there was another surprise. My mother would need to see a psychiatrist — on-going. The CLSC worker had never mentioned either of these hoops.
When confronted with the social worker asking her if she would like to try out the new home, my mother, after each description of how lovely the place was, said “no!” Now, how realistic was it to expect my mother to tell a stranger, “Sure, I’ll move into a strange place with people I don’t know, thank you very much.”
I reacted to these surprise demands like a five year old. “What do you expect me to do now?” I whined. “Why didn’t you tell me all this before?” Social worker: “If you’re negative, we can’t work with you.” Later I wondered why neither of these important criteria had been brought to my attention. One other remark confounded me: “What if your mother deteriorates in six months and we have to move her again?”
I could see I was treading in murky waters.
That night, I called a private social worker, who has worked with me and my mother for two years. I asked her to find a private personal care home. One week later, my mother moved willingly into a lovely, small residence.
She has a beautiful, airy room with a big picture window. We personalized her room with her favorite things. Alas, she could not bring even one cat, but she’s making friends and enjoying her meals. I am now looking for a cat-lover to take in Ginger, a senior cat. Call (514) 484-5033 if you have place in your heart and home for Ginger. (It’s too bad more residences can’t accept seniors with their pets)
What to consider when visiting a personal care home
• What is your first impression? Is it clean?
• What are the residents doing? Are they sitting together? What is the level of their independence compared to your parent’s?
• Does the home suit your parent culturally?
• Are the staff friendly? Are they interacting with residents?
• Go at mealtime. Would your parent enjoy the meals served? Are fresh fruits and vegetables served?
Questions to ask when you visit
• Is there 24-hour supervision? If my parent wakes up at 3 am, will someone be around to fix a snack or reassure her?
• Is there an RN or Nursing Assistant on staff?
• How often does a doctor visit?
• Is there a nurse on call?
• Can arrangements be made to transport my parent to medical appointments? What if she needs someone to stay with her at the hospital?
• What daily living services are included?
• Is there an activity program? How often are the activities?
• What happens if my parent deteriorates mentally or physically? How long will she be welcome to stay?
• Are the residents taken on outings?
Honesty and transparency on both sides is important. I visited a home where the manager told me the transition would be difficult for my mother and for them. She recommended I stay away for a while. I appreciated the honesty. I liked this home but felt my mother was at a higher cognitive level than their residents.
I recommend that you consult a placement counselor who can help you find the right match for your parent. If you go to a placement agency, make sure you get more than a list. A good placement counsellor should take the time to meet your parent and visit homes with you.
*A personal care home is a small senior residence for approximately 8 to 15 semi-autononous people who need some help with daily living.
